2003-06-09 * 1:20 p.m.
wife-beaters and other unpleasantries

my trip to meet Jem's (Jem being my boyfriend's pseudonym) wife-beating father was better than i had anticipated. don't misunderstand - the guy's a wife-beater and should die - but i only had to endure him for brief moments, and the rest of Jem's family was very nice.

i'm currently dealing with my mother, who i recently have taken to referring to as "bitch." i cried all the way to work this morning, which is an hour drive, which is a shitty way to start the day. i love my mother, but she has her faults as we all do...

however, my mother's faults are especially faulted...she's a racist. here's where it gets interesting...my mother is Asian, Korean to be specific, married to a Caucasian man she doesn't love and rather hates but who loves her...i won't even begin to go into the latter. i am, therefore, a half-breed and consider myself Asian. my boyfriend is Asian but is Filipino, a 6', 200 lb Filipino who loves me and who i adore (but do not love, as of yet...). for those Asians of you out there, you may begin to see where my mother would have a problem with Jem; for the rest of you, well...every culture has its social hierarchy and own set of norms, prejudices, etc., and Asian cultures are no different...they certainly have their own racists. for example, doing what my mother did, marrying outside the race, is taboo, and i am the equivalent of a black&white child born in the US in the 50s (or in some parts of the US today); i am to be scorned and shunned. this was definitely the case when i was born in the late 70s, though today it's probably not as bad...but i honestly don't know.

what i do know is that my mother is very traditional is some aspects, and she sees Filipinos (among other races) as inferior. my mother is as narrow-minded as i am open-minded. i knew she had a problem with Jem's ethnicity from the get-go, but i never knew the depths of her racism till last night. she scolded and ridiculed me for at least an hour on the phone, asking why i was degrading myself by dating someone "like him", and hadn't she been a good mother and where did she go wrong. she said that even if i were to have a one night stand with someone, she'd want it to be "the best", i.e., someone white and affluent. she asked if i felt the need to advertise myself, i.e., let others know i'm half Asian, and if it wasn't good enough that there was already one minority in the family.

this hurt on many levels, but two especially. first, i now know my mother doesn't accept who i am on any level; she's always wanted me to be mainstream, an "all-american girl", and i couldn't be further from that image. i now see she doesn't even accept my ethnic identity...she says i look white (which i do; white people never recognize that i'm half Asian) and so am therefore white...she doesn't even acknowledge the half of me that consists of her own self. only since undergrad have i explored and come to terms with my ethnic identity.

second, she treats me like shit. she always has, and i suspect she'll never change; people only change when they want to change, and as far as i can see, she doesn't see anything wrong with her perspective. i'm an only child, and the only family she has is my father and me, and she takes everything out on me; my parents are married and live together but don't speak except for arguing, which consists of my mother screaming at and belittling my father.

my entire relationship with my mother consists of constant reminders of how i'm a fuck-up... i was conceived of anger and spite, not love, and neither of my parents wanted me; when my mother found out she was pregnant, after my parents were married, my father suggested she get an abortion, but she kept me to spite him. she refers to me as a "mistake" to my face rather than a "miracle" or even an "accident", as i've heard other unplanned children called. academically, i was at the top of my class before college and won all sorts of competitions, but all she could do was point out the flaws, however few and inconsequential they may have been. i thought if i tried hard enough, was as perfect as humanly possible, she'd have to love me; i learned the hard way that that wasn't to be, so by college i sort of gave up and am comfortable having a good GPA rather than a perfect GPA. i was accepted to college when i was 15 and am now working on my Ph.D., but it's still not good enough; i should have chosen law or med school. she's never liked any guy i've ever dated, yet when i tell her i don't want to ever get married, she gets pissed and accuses me of being a lesbian. i'm bi, but would never tell her that.

when i got off the phone with my mother last night, i curled up in a ball on the floor of Jem's dining room and bawled. i tried not to, as i never cry in front of others even my mother, as she humiliated me as a child both times i cried in her presence. i'm an expert at crying silently, as i've ample practice over the years, but i started choking loudly. Jem came racing down the stairs and sat on the floor beside me, holding me as i cried like a little girl. he knows my mother disapproves of our relationship, but he doesn't know why; i'm too embarrassed to tell him the truth.

i'm tired of crying, i'm tired of feeling guilty for things i'm not doing wrong, i'm tired of being the empathic and understanding one, i'm tired of being reminded of how big a disappointment i am, i'm tired of never being able to feel happiness without incurring the wrath of someone who can't stand to see me happy, i'm tired of hearing how far i fall short of anything adequate, i'm tired of feeling like a beaten animal that feels no choice but to return to its tormenter's home.

i'm crying at work; thank goodness i have allergies to blame for my bloodshot eyes and runny nose. i have so much pain inside, and if Jem hadn't been home, i would have cut myself again...i keep considering the scissors in my desk's top drawer. Jem found out about a month ago that i cut myself, and he made me promise never to do it again, but i just don't know if that's a promise i can keep.

before * after

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