2003-06-16 * 4:13 p.m.
a case of the mondays

i'm at work, bogged down with so much work that i've given up. been chatting with Coop online almost everyday, which is nice. was supposed to hang out with him saturday night, but his tone didn't seem completely platonic.

whenever a man seems that way to me, i balk b/c my mind fast-forwards to what may lie in the future, to the danger that idle flirting can lead to, and b/c i've been bullied into sex more times than i care to acknowledge. while i revel in my sexuality and am pretty uninhibited in bed, sex scares me. so often it feels like an attack upon my self, both figuratively and literally. i know Coop would never force anything, but the fact remains that he could if he so wanted, and that's the sobering fact that keeps me reluctant.

and it probably keeps me from truly enjoying my friendship with him, and other men. it just seems that every friendship i have with a man becomes sexualized at some point, most often by the man but admittedly by me in a few cases. either way, a power differential always seems to emerge...initially i feel empowered, having a man fawn all over me, chase and desire me. later, however, the chase feels sinister...i've lost control, and i feel no way to stop it but to succumb to his desires. i constantly remind myself...a man is only nice when he wants something.

that's why i like the idea of being with a woman...there's something safe about being with a woman. sure, i suppose a woman can force herself upon another woman, and most women (well pretty much anyone over the age of 10) could certainly overpower me, but there's not that same sense of impending doom as i get with men. i've never had a relationship with a woman, though i'm certainly open to it, but i've been in sexual situations with women...they felt so sensual, and they certainly knew just where and how to caress me. i truly miss that.

before * after

My freakiness score is: 342...Are you a freak?
Find out your freakiness level.