2003-06-30 * 12:02 p.m.
she's a hippie whore, and a hippie bore

it's noon, and already i feel i've lived the whole of a day...mondays just seem prone to that type of experience.

Jem reminded me this morning that he won't be seeing me until tomorrow, as he'll be out of town for business. i was already dreading my day, and i felt my heart deflate a bit at his reminder. actually, it was more than a bit, oddly enough. generally, i don't mind when he's away on business, and i even look forward to it most of the time; i just relish time alone. for some reason, however, this time is different...achingly different. this is the text message i just sent to his mobile phone:

what's wrong with me...i miss you already. this day is miserable to know you won't be coming home tonight. i can't wait till tomorrow.

i actually wanted to wallow in the sad, saccharine sentimentality that's been draped upon me all morning by writing to Jem how i crave his return to quell my agonizing longing. however, i was typing a text message, not writing a love letter with quill and quire, and Jem's not really about the maudlin; he'd prefer a "horny as hell, fuck me stupid tonight" type message...not that i don't prefer those from time to time myself. i just can't help but sigh and wish he were more the hopeless romantic that i try desperately to deny myself to be.

i am so mentally done with the day now. i should just duck out of work early; not that i have anything of importance or even amusement to do, just to get the fuck out of this soul-stealing quagmire. oh yes, btw, i've been basically fired from my job, so i won't have to worry about ramen lunches and insipid bosses at least for a while. i've been contracted to work through july, so they're simply not renewing my contract...not enough work to do, blahblah, lame excuses, harfharf, budget cuts, puke. the actual reason for my nonrenewal (so now i can be likened to a magazine subscription) is one of my many "superiors" (using the term so very loosely), my only female boss, Hippie Whore, despises me and has since she interviewed me for the job; i was actually hired by her boss, i'm sure against her input. she's one of those people that chooses to dislike someone (me) before bothering to get to know her (me). i could never quite put a finger on it except to chalk it up to pathetic cattiness, which floors me since i don't see myself as one to be envied for physical beauty and i'm one of the most nonconfrontational people one could ever meet. i could go on ad nauseum about the ridiculous cattiness that goes on between women in the workplace and how it ultimately undermines any progress some of us are trying to make, but whatthefuckever; i'm tired and quite apathetic at the moment, which means i'm worthless to myself and others until further notice.

i was supposed to meet with one of my supervisors today, but he no-showed. when i asked a friend if she knew where he might be, she mentioned he was in Baltimore over the weekend for a wedding, and that maybe he was "having such a good time that he's still there...in prison!" and i replied, "sitting in jail somewhere in Baltimore, sobering up, wondering where his pants have gone."

i hope that's not true, since i actually like and respect him. Hippie Whore, on the other hand, i'd like to punch in the throat, her fat hemp-wearing throat.

before * after

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