2003-07-02 * 12:58 p.m.
get it while the gettin's...mediocre

so i try all the time to have conversations with Jem about something other than fast food and sitcoms, but after last night, i don't know why...maybe the reason we've stayed together so long for being so different is because we never really talk, i.e., discuss just how truly opposite we are from each other.

so we got to chatting about sex last night. no, not a fun "so what do you like, do you like this? mmm!" talk, but a discussion of likes and dislikes...i have no idea how we got on the subject, as we never talk about these things, or anything else really. so i found out some interesting things...

1. he thinks me-on-top sex has gotten better, but i think it's worse (but didn't say so). the way we initially would have it is i'd be on top, grinding away, holding onto the headboard, leaning way back, and everything in between, just being completely uninhibited and having the best time. however, he only likes it when i go up and down, i.e. don't stimulate my clit. so i sit there, bouncing up and down, trying to get him to stay still so he won't jack up the rhythm, and i feel pretty much nothing. apparently, he doesn't like it when i ride him like crazy...seems every other guy (not that there have been many) really liked that.

2. another thing that was a shocker, he doesn't like that Miss Kitty is tight. now, i've generally gotten rave reviews about that attribute, but he likes it when i'm "looser and more relaxed." and the question i wanted to ask was, "so just how many stretched out sorority whores have you been with exactly?" when he first penetrates me, it usually feels pretty intense, and sometimes even hurts a little (which i don't mind, because it's minimal and goes away quickly), so i gasp or moan pretty loud when this happens; i'm quite vocal anyway. Jem stated he doesn't like when i "yelp" when he enters me; sorry for being such a chihuahua. a guy i was with last summer, DH, loved, LOVED that i was tight, and he was quite large...way bigger than Jem. he told me once, "i could feel you all around me, it felt so good." Jem, on the other hand, likes to fall into his poonanies. excellent.

so instead of growing closer and ending the conversation with mind-blowing sex, i'm even more unsatisfied with our sex. i hate admitting this, but of all the men i've ever been with, Jem's the worse in every area: foreplay, sex, afterplay. i've tried to encourage the things i like and never criticize, but it's gotten nowhere. foreplay consists of a little kissing and then going straight downtown...they're called boobs, they'd like some lovin', thanks. there's actually no quicker, surefire way to get me going than by getting in good with "the girls", as i refer to them, and they're one of my better assets...we can go an entire evening and Jem won't so much as touch them. we've covered sex, and the afterplay...he blows his load, goes to the bathroom, and returns to fall asleep, all under 3 minutes. there's no speaking...why would we need to talk; he's done his business and needs his sleep.

Jem's also not the most well-endowed guy, not that that's even a huge problem, so to speak, but there are some things it does affect, especially positioning; we're pretty limited to me on top and missionary, because he falls out during every other position. i really like getting it from behind, so this is frustrating. plus, i just don't feel him that much...i'm pretty tight to begin with, but i just don't really feel anything. when i was with DH, i could feel parts of myself that i never had before, and it was so exhilarating. exhilaration is something i rarely feel with Jem...he doesn't even like it when i let go and really get into it...i guess he just wants me to stay still and take it like a nice girl.

i've always had my struggles with self-esteem, but in the bedroom is where i felt free. every guy i've been with has said that i'm amazing in the bedroom, "like an animal", and they often ask, "where'd you learn THAT?!" Jem has said i'm like an animal, too, but in that "you're at a 9 and i need you at a 3, OK?" sort of tone. i've never felt so fucking self-conscious and sexually inept as i do with Jem. and now i have to figure out just how big an impact this makes...is this a deal-breaker? my best friend stays with her girlfriend only because the sex is incredible, "the best [she's] ever had!" there are so many other things that are off with us, to me, as well, and this certainly doesn't help. it's been a while since i've had any decent sex...how much longer am i willing to hold out?

i'm usually not so sex-obsessed, but when you haven't gotten it good in a while and the last time your boyfriend was really in tune with what you wanted he was too drunk to keep it up, sex moves to the forefront of one's thoughts. and i'm at work to boot...nothing like being sexually frustrated in a cubicle.

before * after

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