2003-07-04 * 1:33 a.m.
defeated

so i did it, i broke down and cut myself. i was having an OK evening, alone, watching Queer as Folk, and all of a sudden i hear Jem unlocking the door. i run into the shower, hoping to avoid him...that fails. he's there, he won't go away. i get out of the shower, he's there, he won't go away. i had Hooverphonic playing on the stereo; he changes it to some mainstream bullshit crap. i turn on the hairdryer to drown it out. he gets pissed that i'm not thrilled to see him, that i don't drop to my knees and give him a quickie, although it's never quick with him...it takes at least a half hour and my jaw locking up. so he's gone from sorry to pissed, and i don't know why; it's not like he came here to see me, just to drop off his fucking hockey equipment. he leaves, i find the scissors that he thinks he's hiding from me, which are sharper than the pair downstairs, and i slash at my wrist. he'll be gone till saturday...enough time to heal just enough. he won't fucking notice anyway. fuck him. i've thought of moving what little shit i have here back to my place and just ending this. he thinks he's "spoiling" me (his word) by cooking once in a while, and so i should clean up after him, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the livingroom, in the bedroom, i should do his laundry...i already drop off his dry cleaning and rent checks. he wants ME to write HIM love letters. i give up. fuck this. he thinks i'll want more to marry him by transforming me into a goddamn housewife...he obviously doesn't know me at all. people who've known me a week know me better than Jem. i just give up. i knew i should have gone back to my place tonight...i give up.

before * after

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