2004-07-09 * 8:30 p.m.
maybe i'm not kidding at all

i'm leaving tomorrow, will be gone a week, to see my parents ...oh dread of dread, my mom guilts me into coming/staying away ...and my ever attentive boyfriend is on the phone with his best friend, sounding as eloquent as ever in his use of expletives and the word "dude" (this just reeks of sarcasm, huh?), and has chosen sleep over fucking me for 2 consecutive nights. now, to put that last bit in context, Jem and i have sex at least once a day, barring 7 days of each month and then even sometimes still, and about the only time we don't make the sweet love is when he'd rather get an extra 5 minutes of sleep. that was a bit harsh...make it 7 minutes.

it's just frustrating to have a boyfriend who "loves" me, but doesn't understand me at all and doesn't try, doesn't find me sexy or even remotely attractive, never looks at me in that "you are so amazing, i'm so lucky to have you" way, thinks i'm about as exciting as a No. 2 pencil when all my friends consider me the wild one, doesn't think i'm the funniest person he's ever met...and i am, unless fart jokes are trump. with all the bitching i do on here, i guess the humor part may be lost, but my wicked sense of humor is one of the few things i like about myself and that pretty much everyone i've ever known, minus the current boyfriend, has highlighted and commented on. ew, i ended that last sentence with a preposition, sorry. anycrap, unappreciative boyfriend, blah blah blah. dear sweet Buddha, i wish you could hear just what a blathering idiot my sexually-inadequate boyfriend can be, e.g., "dude, i almost got an olive in the glass when i was pouring in the olive juice! i like cookies!"

so boys who do actually adore me...Coop. we had a bit of a falling out...about a month ago, we chatted online and, unbeknownst to myself, he was inebriated...some touchy issues and indelicate words spilled forth. basically, he admitted (then took back, but generally admitted still) that he's not over me and told me that Jem doesn't give me what i need. he's right, but he shouldn't have known he was right as he knows next to nothing about my relationship with Jem. we've sort of patched things up since, all online, and we'll probably only see each other once before i head out to my new apartment and internship. i hope things aren't too weird when we meet...it'd be nice to get some play...just kidding...mostly...well, sorta...a little, anyway.

before * after

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